We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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