After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My vagina is officially offended.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
