Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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