Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
