1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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