:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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