dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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