Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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