just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
