My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
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Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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