Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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