Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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