Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
