Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
