Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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