So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
