During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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