It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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