How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
