i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She's better-looking with the mask on.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
