remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
