I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
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I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
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I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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