his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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