New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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