Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
