i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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