i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
