dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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