a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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