how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
