found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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