Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
