My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
