My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
