I can text with my tongue
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
