well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
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