I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he puts the penis in happiness.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
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...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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