My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
