Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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