dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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