ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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