I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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