She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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