I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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