I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
