One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
