dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
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Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Watching her eat just hurts me
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
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I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying