I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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