Pants 0. Shit 1.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
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I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
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Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon