Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
