I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I need to calm my uterus...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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