I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
