nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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