my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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