did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
