remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
