so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
