i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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