and she was petting her beer can
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
