Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
